We don't seek perfect
relationships in marriage or in other places in
our lives. What we seek instead are real and
honest connections. 
Perfection
has a picture-book form, but it has no depth
and no personality. This means that sometimes
we will get upset with others, or they will
get upset with us.
We need a
basic commitment to stay in the relationship
dialogue, to continue returning to it as long
as both people are willing to work on it.
Working through crises is how a relationship
grows from simply being an idea to having its
unique reality.
We will be
frightened by the rough spots.
We will
wonder if there is something wrong with us or
with the other person, or the relationship. We
cannot escape such questions.
To run
from the difficulties cuts off the
possibilities for growth. It is a frightening
thing to become real, to come into
consciousness.
We have
grown into one as we slept and now
I
can't jump because I can't let go your hand.
--
Marina Tsvetayeva
Long, intimate
relationships often confuse us. We may lose the
sense of where our individual boundaries are.
We confuse our
desires and our pain with another person's --
our spouse or lover, our parent, siblings, or
child.
When that
relationship changes, when the other person
dies or leaves or forms another intimate bond,
we may feel wounded and desperate, unsure of
who we are.
The
blurring of boundaries is never healthy for us
-- although we may not feel the damage at
first.
Sound
relationships are carefully made.
We enter
into them without giving away our own
authentic responses to life.
When
relationships change, of course we may feel
pain; but we need not feel the awful confusion
that comes from having given pieces of ourselves
away.
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